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"My girlfriend dumped me because she says I 'wasn't there' when we made love. She's not the first to say this. I know something's wrong. Can hypnotherapy help me?"
Your sexual dysfunction means you engage in sex more as an observer than as a participant.
You hold yourself back from entering a trance state; you have difficulty "letting go."
There are several ways in which a qualified hypnotherapist can help you to conquer this problem. Before using hypnosis it is essential that you receive competent medical advice.
Hypnotherapy will have a particular focus depending on whether the problem is organic or psychological.
Organic sexual problems require medical intervention. Hypnotherapy may be used as an adjunct, for instance, in helping you to heal faster after an operation.
More frequently, sexual difficulties treated by a hypnotherapist concern psychological issues.
Since the process deals with your mind all sexual activity during hypnotherapy takes place only in your imagination.
What you learn through hypnotherapy is practiced privately elsewhere.
Hypnotherapy may be used to heighten your sensual involvement and to help you to be fully present while engaging in sex.
A common, effective use of hypnotherapy is to lower your anxiety.
The anticipation of failure (particularly for men anxious about their ability to have or to maintain an erection) brings on anxious feelings.
These in turn bring about the failure. Hypnotherapy ends this vicious circle and replaces the anticipation of failure with the certainty of success and confidence.
Traditional sex therapy methods are more readily accepted by you when in hypnosis because the conscious, judgmental, analytical part of your mind is temporarily set aside.
Your subconscious then absorbs the new, positive messages you've asked the hypnotherapist to create.
Precisely because hypnosis taps into the autonomic nervous system, a person can use it to improve or alter functions that normally happen without conscious control, e.g., a man's erection.
Charles, a 27-years-old former sailor and currently an electrician, consulted a hypnotherapist because he was too fearful to have sex with his wife.
They'd been married three years and had had sexual difficulties since the birth of their daughter eight months previously. Charles was afraid he'd been embarrassed once again if he tried to make love.
"Kim laughed at me the first time and now she just gives me a look of disgust." Why? Because he couldn't maintain an erection.
Charles felt humiliated and frustrated; he worried that he'd never again have satisfactory sex with his wife. His dream of fathering a son seemed unattainable.
He told the hypnotherapist that he had no problem masturbating when alone. This was a likely indicator that Charles' problem was psychological, not organic.
As was Charles' report that he always had a firm erection when having sex with the occasional housewife in whose home he was doing electrical work.
To be on the safe side, the hypnotherapist advised Charles to be examined by a medical specialist to be absolutely sure there was no organic cause for his ED.
The doctor confirmed that Charles' trouble was "100 per cent psychogenic," meaning that for some emotional or psychological reason, he could not maintain an erection.
Of course, the more Charles tried, and the more he worried, the more flaccid was his penis.
The hypnotherapist explained to Charles that hypnosis could be used to uncover the cause of his trouble, or to tackle the symptom, or both.
Charles, being the impatient type, and of course eager to end his humiliating experiences, opted for the "quick fix."
Over the course of three sessions of hypnotherapy, Charles relived successful love-making episodes from his younger years as a Navy "stud."
Then the therapist used a melding technique to encourage Charles to see himself (in his imagination, while hypnotized) from now on once again enjoying a full, firm erection well beyond the time needed to satisfy his partner.
Positive suggestions were also made by the hypnotherapist to Charles about his prowess, his confidence and his desirability to his wife.
For three months Charles and Kim had a wonderful sex life. Then he lost an erection just as foreplay had become hot and heavy.
Kim, hurt and disappointed, reacted with sarcasm. All Charles' fears and anxieties rushed back. He returned to the hypnotherapist.
This time Charles agreed to investigate the cause of his impotence.
The hypnotherapist used various approaches -- age regression, age progression (in which the "future" Charles was to explain how he'd conquered the problem) analogue symbolic imagery -- but nothing worked.
In a subsequent session, with Charles relaxed in hypnosis, the therapist told Charles he'd have a dream. His subconscious would provide this dream as a way, either directly or symbolically, to explain the origin of his impotence.
Three nights later Charles dreamed he was outside a factory. It was night time and the factory loomed dark and mysterious.
Charles felt a strong urge to scale the steel fence that surrounded the factory. Then he tried to find away in. All the doors were shut and padlocked. A security guard ("very scary, because he had my face," said Charles) told him to go away.
But Charles persisted in his eagerness to enter the factory. He ran from the guard, to the back of the building. Here was the loading dock. Charles saw a bulldozer there. He jumped into its cab and began to operate the controls.
The guard reappeared, feebly told Charles to get off the property, to go to his own place. In the distance, Charles could see a stately castle which he somehow knew belonged to him.
But his only interest was in the dark factory. The guard shrugged. Charles started up the bulldozer and charged the heavy machine toward the small back door of the factory.
As the bulldozer began to rumble forward, Charles awoke -- with a massive erection.
The dream puzzled Charles. But it enlightened the therapist. To him it revealed that Charles was in the grip of the Madonna/Whore complex.
This is the attitude that divides women into "good" and "bad." Thus, a man's wife and especially mother, are "good." Prostitutes, other men's wives and and women of ethnic groups other than the man's own, are "bad."
"Bad" women are exciting; "good" women are boring. Sex is forbidden with "good" women but possible with the "bad."
A man with this complex may have sex with his wife occasionally, or until she becomes a mother, or while a post-hypnotic suggestion lasts. But his heart is not in it. Neither is his penis.
However, with a "bad" woman he has no commitment, no respect. She is there to be used.
His conscience (the security guard) barely bothers him about penetrating the stranger (the dark factory) but, perversely, does prevent him enjoying "his" woman (the castle).
When Charles heard this explanation, he nodded in agreement. This was indeed his view. And that of his father, uncle and most of his friends. He had no serious interest in changing this outlook, especially since Kim had announced she was pregnant. The hypnotherapist's suggestion that Charles and Kim seek marriage counselling fell on deaf ears.
A lawyer we shall call Mathilde did seek help from a psychotherapist. She had told the referring doctor that she rarely had an orgasm. The truth was that Mathilde never had an orgasm -- with her husband.
She'd been faking it for years. But she had climaxed with previous boyfriends. Also during a two-night stand a few months ago.
Mathilde had been a speaker at a lawyers' convention a thousand miles from home. There she met Roger, a brooding electrical engineer who had been trouble-shooting the hotel's elevators.
"He was not particularly good-looking but he had these soft grey eyes," Mathilde confided to the therapist. She smiled. "He was brutal in bed."
Mathilde was mildly surprised to find herself telling the male therapist details she had not felt comfortable confiding to her female doctor.
There was no question of her wanting to leave the marriage. She loved her husband, had a marvellous life. All that was missing ws the joy of orgasm. It was something she yearned for.
Until she met Roger the lack of orgasms with her husband had not bothered her much. Mathilde had become used to pretending -- and to satisfying herself in secret.
The therapist faced two dilemmas:
i) perhaps, despite Mathilde's conscious denials, there was some problem between her and her husband
ii) the therapist usually worked with couples, not individuals, on such sexual challenges.
He decided that, given the husband was not present and would be unlikely to come to future sessions, he would work with Mathilde, and he would use hypnotherapy. If the outcome was successful, there would be no need to explore possible conflicts between husband and wife.
First the therapist explained a little about hypnosis and how it could help Mathilde. Her first session was devoted to her simply relaxing into hypnosis, and becoming familiar with how safe and peaceful it felt.
In Mathilde's second and third sessions of hypnosis the therapist suggested Mathilde silently relive an earlier experience of orgasm.
In her mind she was to take particular note of the physical and emotional feelings which allowed her to climax.
When the orgasm in her imagination was over she would open her eyes, though remain in hypnosis.
Then the therapist pointed out, and Mathilde confirmed, that she had been internally very relaxed just prior to making love. And that during foreplay and intercourse, she became "lost" in the pleasure.
The therapist asked Mathilde to again close her eyes and this time to imagine herself in bed with her husband. Again she could relive the details silently, no need to tell the therapist anything, except when the imagined lovemaking was over.
When Mathilde compared the earlier experience with how she felt when making love with her husband she immediately noticed her tension.
"I am not relaxed and I don't get lost in the act." Sometimes she thought about cases she was working on and at other times she focused on making sure her husband was satisfied.
In the next part of the session the therapist first gave Mathilde suggestions that she could allow herself to relax with her husband, that she could allow herself to climax with him.
The therapist again waited silently while Mathilde played the scene through in her mind.
When she signalled (with a broad smile) that the scene had reached a successful end, the therapist closed the session with positive suggestions about Mathilde allowing herself to be relaxed, focused on pleasure and allowed to climax when making love with her husband.
And so it was.
* * *
Hypnotherapy has also been used successfully to overcome other sexual problems such as overlubrication, exhibitionism, and to uncover the reason a client became a transvestite.
Before seeking help with a sexual difficulty it is important to be sure it really is a problem. For example, a man may go to a therapist because he believes he suffers from premature ejaculation. But if the man is married to a woman who dislikes sex, indeed "wants it over with as soon as possible," that's exactly what is happening, so where's the problem?
Twenty-five years old Eugene's problem was real enough: he could not become erect. A handsome, single, bus driver, Eugene had had several medical examinations; all the doctors had concluded there was no medical cause for his impotence.
At first, hypnotherapy did not help Eugene. He became more and more despondent about his failure, scared to date and unable to sleep at night.
The hypnotherapist had used approaches one or more of which usually resolve psychogenic impotence:
> positive suggestions
> aversive therapy
> satisfying imagery
> arm rigidity
But nothing worked.
The hypnotherapist finally decided to enlist the guidance of Eugene's subsconscious through finger signalling and direct relay of images in response to questions.
(With finger signalling -- also known as an ideodynamic technique -- a hypnotized person allows the subconscious to answer questions with predesignated fingers that represent "Yes," "No," "Don't Know," and "Not yet ready to answer").
This approach proved fruitful, although at first puzzling.
Hypnotherapist: "I'm going to ask your subconscious some questions. There's no need for you to think about the questions or the answers. Simply allow your subconscious to respond through the fingers it has selected.
You will probably feel a tingling begin in the finger that the subsconscious selects. Then it will lift as though of its own accord.
Now, I'd like to ask your subconscious if there is a purpose served by Eugene's impotence?"
[This question is often answered "yes" and subsequently leads to an explanation such as a desire to punish self or partner for some reason].
[Fimger responses are indicated with ( )].
Eugene: (No).
H: "Does the cause of the problem lie in Eugene's past?"
E: (Yes).
[This response steered the hypnotherapist along the wrong path. He took no account of the literalness with which the subconscious absorbs information. Consequently, the hypnotherapist understood the "Yes" response to mean that there was a specific event, a trauma or a message, that began Eugene's impotence. As was later revealed, the "cause in the past" referred, not to a particular event, but to an ongoing process.]
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 20?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 15?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Before 10?"
E: (No).
[Now the hypnotherapist, who erroneously assumes some single event happened, switches from finger responses to image responses].
H: "Okay. I'm going to ask the subconscious to present to your mind an image that is somehow connected to the problem we're dealing with."
E: "I'm in a shop. I don't know how old I am but a man picks me up. I'm very scared. He holds me to him. Someone else comes in and tells the man to put me down."
[The hypnotherapist thinks that it is possible something happened in the shop to subsequently cause Eugene to become impotent. However, further questioning reveals that Eugene sees little more than he has already reported. There appears to be no abuse, no negative messages (such as "You'll never be a man.")
The session is drawing to a close so the therapist reverts to ideomatic questioning. He decided to check the medical verdicts].
H: "Does the problem have any medical basis to it?"
E: [Long pause]. (No).
H: "Is there something physical that would help?"
E: (No).
H: "Is there something missing in Eugene's diet, or something he should not be eating or drinking?"
E: (Don't know/don't want to answer yet).
[Eugene snaps out of hypnosis, much to his own surprise. In previous sessions for other problems Eugene had enjoyed hypnosis so much he had been reluctant to emerge. He puts himself back into hypnosis].
H: "Okay. Our time is nearly up. I want to thank your subconscious for its help. I'm now asking it to provide you with a dream that will give you a strong indication on how to solve the problem that brought you here."
[Eugene once again snaps out of hypnosis].
H: "Wow. We're clearly close to something significant, otherwise you wouldn't come out so suddenly."
E: "I don't understand why. But while you were talking about me having a dream something floated into my mind: smoking."
H: [Incredulous]. "You smoke!"
E: "Yes, a lot."
H: "There you are. That's what your subconscious was telling us: the cause of your impotence is smoking! Have you stopped before?"
E: "Yes. For a while."
H: "And did you have erections okay then?"
E: [Thinks back]. "Yes, I did. I did."
[And the shop? Why did the subconscious throw that memory into Eugene's mind? Perhaps because the shop sold cigarettes.]
Copyright (c) 2005 Bryan M. Knight
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Yes, by all means, but it is technically called hypogonadism (low testosterone levels). Symptoms may vary, but most men will experience decreased libido (sexual desire) as well as erectile dysfunction, hot sweats, decrease in body hair, fatigue, or even depression. They also tend to lose muscle mass and gain weight due to increased subcutaneous fat.
Erectile dysfunction is a common complaint of male patients past the age of 50, and although it is most commonly caused by such problems as vascular insufficiency (decreased blood flow) to the penis which usually responds well to such medications as Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra, your physician should check for hypogonadism as a possible cause and also screen for cardiovascular disease as well as diabetes. Certain prescription medications can also lead to problems with both libido and sexual dysfunction; most notably certain anti-depressants and hypertensive medications.
Serum testosterone levels are at their highest between the ages of 20 to 30 and tend to progressively fall after age 40. If your testosterone levels come back low, your physician may wish to order a couple of other tests to determine the actual cause. There are other causes of low testosterone other than merely aging. If your testosterone level IS low and you are going to receive treatment, make sure that you are screened for prostate cancer. Your doctor should perform a digital rectal exam, order a PSA (prostate specific antigen) blood test, and your testicles should be examined for size, nodules and other abnormalities.
Topical testosterone gel is usually the preferred method of administering the hormone. Topical 1% testosterone is available as Androgel or Testim. The starting dosage is 5 gm a day and applied to dry skin of the abdomen, upper arm or shoulders. The gel should not be placed on the genitals! The area of skin should be allowed to dry and a shirt be worn during contact with children or women as it IS possible to transfer the medicine to the skin of another individual. The serum testosterone level should be determined again about two weeks after initiating treatment.
The administration of testosterone replacements have NOT been demonstrated to increase the incidence of prostate cancer, myocardial infarction, cardiovascular disease, or stroke. It can, however, elevate the PSA (prostate specific antigen) level.
Treament has come a long way over the past few years with the advent of the topical applications. Testosterone used to be given by intramuscular injection which was both painful and had to be given rather frequently because the levels of the medication would not last long in the blood stream. The topical applications tend to maintain an even level of medication at all times without the peaks and valleys caused by the old injections.
Testosterone replacement should improve libido, muscle mass, and well being. It can aggravate sleep apnea, cause mild acne, and gynecomastia (slight enlargement of the breasts), but NOT in everyone.
It can enable a male to feel much more vibrant, improve his sexual desire, ability, and performance, and make life a lot more enjoyable overall.
Copyright 2006 Ted Crawford
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On April 14th of 1945, I was five years old. I came in from playing and was met by my mother who was sobbing. "Your other mother is dead," she said. I felt very sad, but for my adoptive mother. I never knew who my birth-mother was and never even considered the fact that I had another mother somewhere. I later found out that all the records associated with my adoption were supposed to have been sealed. So how could Mom have known that?
I had a little bit of information about my birth. One such fact was that I suffered from hypopladia, "a condition I inherited from my father." It turns out that means that the opening of my penis was at the bottom rather than at the end. Of all the things to inherit! I also knew that I was born at General Hospital in Minneapolis, and that Mom and Dad were listed as the parents.
That was all I knew for more than forty years. Mom died in 1985 and Dad in 1987. I was named executor of his estate. When I went through the papers I found a baptismal record for Richard Allen Hemmingsen, born on my birthday! Three names were listed as witnesses. After fighting with myself for a week I looked one name up in the phone book and called. A woman answered and I asked if Lloyd was there. The woman said he wasn't, but she would have him call me. I never heard from him and in the meantime, my ardor to find my birth family had subsided.
Evie's father died a day after my mother on Christmas Day in 1985. When her mother died in 1987 she decided that she wanted to find out about her birth mother. She didn't have any feelings of betrayal. Nor did I. The laws that sealed the records in the early 1940s had been changed, and it was now possible to contact birth relatives, if both parties agreed to the contact. She wrote a long letter explaining all the things that had happened to her in her life and her views about politics and religion. To her delight, she got a response! Her mother was now living in Michigan and wanted to meet her. They did at the Minneapolis airport. An aunt was with her. In a long conversation, Evie learned that she had two half-sisters, a half-brother, and several aunts and uncles who were all very anxious to meet her. One aunt looked exactly like her. Her siblings were thrilled, and so was the man her birth-mother had married. He was a retired minister and had known about Evie for as long as they were married. We have had a warm relationship with the whole family for nearly twenty years. Unfortunately it has been shrinking because of deaths, but Evie still meets with a favorite aunt at least once a month. Her experiences finding her birth-family became a feature article in the Minneapolis Sunday paper.
My path was a bit different. After Evie connected with her family, I again decided to try to find mine. Lloyd was still unavailable, but there were two other names on the baptismal certificate. I found one of the names in the Minnneapolis phone book. When I called him, he said, "You must be one of Hilma's twins."
I told him that I was born in 1940. No, my uncle said. "The twins were born in 1944."
You can imagine how excited I was to hear that! He said that she had died of internal bleeding one day after giving birth to twin boys. Ironically, my half-sibs were born on the same day as my adoptive sister, but a year later. I found out where Hilma was living when the twins were born and immediately placed a personals ad in the local newspaper asking whether anyone had information about the whereabouts of twin boys born in April of 1944.
No one responded.
In the meantime my new uncle arranged for me to meet with the rest of the family. It was huge; Hilma had had 10 siblings. An aunt threw a potluck lunch and the thirty some relatives all showed up. One was the other signer of the baptismal certificate. I asked her about my twin brothers. "They aren't brothers," she said. "They were a boy and a girl. Everyone called them Jack and Jill."
From that point, everything came together. We were able to locate the adoption agency and they located the adoptive mother. She said that both children were alive and well. Later that night I got a call from my brother, and a few days later, my sister. Bro looks like me, but a bit heavier. We met my sister in Montana and visited Yellowstone Park together. We were both delighted. I have kept in contact with my Minnesota family. I have yet to visit my brother but I get regular letters from my sister.
One of my aunts gave me a photo album of my mother. One, showing her on a bicycle with a friend, looked so much like me that we showed it to one of Evie's buddies. "That's John in a dress," Evie said, smiling. "Oh," said our friend. "Who's that with him?"
My last words are advice for others who may be in our situation. Things don't always work out as well as they did for Evie and me, but if they do, it's like stepping into a different world, the alternative universe you always wondered about.
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As you know, there are hundreds of myths about the female orgasm. But, the question is: are they all true? Of course not!
Here are some of the most common myths:
Myth 1: Women take longer to reach orgasm than men.
This is a common myth which has not been supported by research. The reason people believe this is that they don't understand the female arousal pattern. Women's arousal patterns are much different than men's and, as a result, they are physically prepared for intercourse later than men are.
The time from optimal arousal to orgasm is pretty much identical for both men and women. The difference is in how long it takes to reach that level of arousal. Because men often don't know how to help their partners get to that point, it does seem to take longer. Once that's changed, however, men find their partners reach orgasm more quickly and even have multiple orgasms in quick succession.
Myth 2: Women should only reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse.
This is definitely not true but it's a myth that has caused us to take women's sexual needs for granted for a long time. This myth actually started with Sigmund Freud, the developer of psychoanalysis, who had recognized that women could easily reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Freud dismissed this type of stimulation as juvenile and believed it was important for women to become more sexually mature by focusing only on vaginal stimulation to reach orgasms.
The problem is that the vagina was not designed for orgasms. It does not have the concentrated nerve endings that one finds in the clitoris or in the head of a penis, for example.
As a result of Freud's determination, women who could not reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse were considered to have some type of psychological impairment. All sorts of methods were devised in an attempt to “liberate” women from their reliance on the clitoris for sexual pleasure.
Only in recent decades has society begun talking openly about the women's right to enjoy sex and to reach orgasm in whatever manner worked for her.
Myth 3: Only women fake orgasms.
Even though this article is about female orgasms, I think it’s important for both men and women to realize that orgasms are not going to happen during every sexual encounter. About one-fifth of men admitted that they have faked an orgasm with a partner. Their reasons for faking are the same as women's: they don't want their partners to be disappointed.
Orgasms don't always come easily in a partnership. Sure, when we masturbate we can probably get off every time because we know our bodies and we know what works. Our sexual partners have to learn these things over time and, most importantly, with our help.
Again, faking orgasms is not the answer for either sex. It just complicates the issue and prevents both partners from having a truly fulfilling sexual encounter.
So, bottom line: don’t believe all myths you hear or read! You can please women with the best orgasms if you understand how the female body works!
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Puberty is a difficult time for girls; they are between two worlds; girl & woman. Girls can experience rapid growth, breast enlargement, vaginal secretions, pubic, armpit, and leg hair growth. They can also feel discomfort, and pain caused by growing breast and their menstrual cycle.
There are also many chemical and physical changes that can affect a girl’s behavior, and attitude. These changes are often accompanied by mood swings, which may include sadness, excitability, depression, and an increased interest in her sexuality. These changes are a normal part of puberty, experienced by all girls.
Girls may also display a greater need for privacy and personal space during puberty. It is important for a girl to have some space, and privacy. Being able to get away from things can have a positive impact on girls’ emotions. But they must be careful not to distant themselves from family during this time.
Things like peer pressure, relationships, and family life can seem difficult. Talking to family can be a great benefit during this time. It is important to keep up communication, talking can help make the transition of puberty much easier.
For more information about puberty, breast developments, and bra sizes, please visit http://www.myfirstbra.us.
